I am extremely grateful that I got the world’s most beautiful Ilmo. I became a single parent when Ilmo was a 4-month-old baby when his biological father chose a lifestyle that the little boy couldn’t fit into.

Ilmo was in everything I did. I felt that my most important task is to be a mother and to be present in the life of a little boy. Ilmo was often with me in sculpting when I was studying at the University of Arts and Sciences (Ateneum) in Helsinki. Ilmo was four- to five years old at the time, and he never hesitated to try something new. He still wasn’t like an adult, but a little curious boy who focused on shaping his own sculptures among other students without disturbing others. On the contrary, Ilmo got big friends!
In the evenings before going to bed, we read stories while Ilmo snuggled under my arm. He also created his own stories, from which he made the pictures and I wrote the text for them according to his dictates. One of them was born in 1980 called “Research book of pine cones” which told about American (I don’t know why American) pine cones, which according to Ilmo’s story are usually thorny and can only be handled with tweezers from the thorns. And the Finnish pine has no thorns, but you have to examine them to know if there are seeds inside them or not.

Ilmo and I moved to different places because of my current studies or work, and we traveled in Finland and later, as Ilmo grew up, also abroad. The trips were expansive. Not only for Ilmo, but for me, because I got to see different landscapes and cultures through the eyes of a growing boy, Ilmo. In addition, I saw how Ilmo adapted and reacted to situations while traveling, while I was nervous about how we would cope with strange events.

I remember when we traveled in the summer when Ilmo was 18 years old, from Turku, Finland to Molina de Seguira, Spain, in an old Toyota, accompanied by his godmother and Ilmo’s friend Kalle. I mainly drove the whole way and everything didn’t go according to my wishes on the crowded stage in Germany, but my nerves were tense in difficult situations. The way Ilmo was in situations was exactly as he had always been since he was a little boy, laughing, bright, living in the moment, realistic, reasonable and quickly found a solution that worked. Ilmo was always ready to help in difficult situations when help was needed, had a sense of humor that triggered even the most difficult moments and showed great patience along the journey (also the journey of life) and showed good treatment towards all the people we met and showed respect for others.

Ilmo got a little brother, Lauri, when he was 11 years old, and at the same time he got a new father, Matti, who took care of him. Ilmo was a good big brother, although the 11-year age difference affected what each of them did and saw the world according to their age, but Ilmo took care of his brother whenever he needed it. At the age of 15, Lauri took a great trip to the USA to visit Ilmo, his brother, and together with Joe Gotshall, they made a great trip to American attractions.

I miss Ilmo. I have written him a message in 2014 and it is still the same: What do I love about you, Ilmo:
What I love about you is how you made your life your own and how you accomplished great things with unimaginable strength. I love your wonderful sense of humor. With that, you dropped me time and time again to another completely expected level. I love your courage. I love that you have taken responsibility for your family, that you are a good father and husband. What I love about you is that you knew how to let go and come back. I love the joy and peace in you.
What I would be missing without you:
Ilmo, if I didn’t have you, I might have given up and ruined my life. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to experience as a young mother how big a thing the presence and love of a little boy is. Without you, just you, a boy like you, I wouldn’t have seen the possibilities of this life. Because of you, I decided to try. Through you, I learned moment by moment what responsibility is. You taught me how to be a mother. Without you, I wouldn’t have become Cal’s grandma, Mumma in Finnish.

What I hope you remember about our relationship:
I would like you to remember those years when you were a little boy and how I always enlightened you. How come you always put yourself first. I want you to remember about me that I waited for your birth and you with great devotion and I hope you remember that I was happy for you when you were born. You were a miracle. I want you to remember about us, our life together, that I tried to give you love and raise you to live a safer life than I had lived myself. And I want you to remember that I have been helpless and inept many, many times, but you are deeply dear to me and unique. And you will always be near me.

Mom
Ilmo, I love you.

Ria Sandelin